Joy

It was 1996, fourth of July, looking off in the sky

Dealing with thoughts inside, when something caught my eye

It was a silhouette of a beautiful woman, bright with life

Carrying my first seed, looking like she gonna bear fruit tonight

We at the African street festival, she's walking around

Talking about the midwife said that brings the baby down

I'm about to be a father!

The sights and sounds seem brighter 

Around me and for starters I know I'ma work harder, word

We got home at three in the morning, I was beat

The contractions started coming as soon as I fell asleep

Three o’ five, like every five minutes, then the water broke

We on the go, yelling at the cabbie because he's sort of slow

You know them hospitals all trying to get paid, no questions

Here come the doctors with their drugs, trying to do c-sections

But my baby stayed strong, in labor for yay long

Eight-pound baby boy, to carry my name on, joy!

-Talib Kweli, Joy

This post has been on my mind for a long time, but I’ve had a hard time articulating it. I’m writing it now because Natalie’s birthday was my self-imposed deadline. Time waits for no man, especially not a parent, so I need to close the book on this one and get ready for the next thing my baby throws at me.

A year of fatherhood has had a surprising effect on my anxiety. I used to feel overwhelmed by opportunity. I constantly expected myself to achieve greatness because of the resources at my disposal. Now my world is smaller and my priorities have shifted. I’ll use golf as an example. A couple years ago I had a chance to play the famous Floating Green in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho. I spent months practicing  at the driving range leading up to it. When the day finally came, I rose to the occasion and landed my t-shot on the green, then parred the hole. Mission accomplished. Now when I play golf, sparingly, I just grip it and rip it and enjoy the time outdoors with my friends. I don’t put the game on a pedestal because I’m not trying to fill a personal void on the golf course. I’ll save that midlife crisis for another day. The funny thing is I’ve actually shaved a dozen strokes off my score.

The same goes for my career, hobbies, and travels. I took some cool adventures and learned some neat things in pursuit of purpose, but I never had that eureka moment like “this is what I’m supposed to do.” That’s my biggest introspection about parenthood so far. I used to take small parts of my life and try to make them big because I needed them to be more meaningful. Right now every day is meaningful enough.

But enough about me, let’s talk about Natalie. Her due date was September 11th, 2020. Felicia started maternity leave at the beginning of September and bought a 2000 piece puzzle to keep herself entertained until the baby arrived. She started laboring on September 6th but she was determined to finish the puzzle before giving birth, so we timed contractions while she grinded out the last pieces, and then headed to the hospital.

Felicia’s strength throughout the day was incredible. We parked the car in the hospital garage and she walked in under her own power. She was about 8cm dilated upon check in. That’s pretty far along. A lot of first time moms labor in the hospital for 12+ hours, but Natalie was born just a few hours after we got there. Felicia had a natural birth with no pain meds, and she pushed like an absolute rockstar. The doctors and nurses were blown away by her performance. They were equally impressed when Natalie came out big and healthy with a full head of hair and a loud cry. The first thing I remember them saying was “Wow, she’s got a good set of pipes!” We spent two days and three nights in the hospital, and then we left as a family. No valet, no wheelchair; Felicia just walked in, gave birth, and walked back out.

Unfortunately it was hard to stay immersed in the honeymoon phase. Between the pandemic and the blanket of wildfire smoke covering Seattle, it was like “welcome to the world, little one.” There’s a rise of anti-natalism in the U.S. and other developed nations, especially among young people who view the future as hopeless, which includes some of our friends. It’s hard to juggle that sentiment and keep morale high at the same time. On one hand I’d like to be blissfully ignorant about the future and just enjoy living in the present. On the other hand I’d like to prepare as much as possible for a more challenging life in the years to come. It’s a spiritual tug of war.

leaving the hospital was the opposite of this

Doom and gloom aside, our family had a pretty good first year. October 2020 may have been the best month of my life. Felicia and I were sleeping in shifts, so I was basically nocturnal and Natalie slept on my chest skin-to-skin. I just had to not move for a few hours at a time, so I played a ton of video games and watched Netflix all night. There are few purer feelings of happiness than beating a video game with your baby asleep on your chest.

We've spent a ton of time at home this past year because of COVID. The silver lining to that is watching Natalie developing all these skills, like mobility or eating or communication. It would be easy to take little things for granted if we spent less time together, but because we get to track her progress, it’s very rewarding to see her flawlessly use a spoon, or wave. It might take her a few days or a couple months to master something new, but she never gives up. I feel like it’s my job as a parent to teach and inspire my child, but it’s funny how often I’m the receiving end of that relationship. Her curiosity and persistence are keeping me young.

We had a nice first birthday party. It was nothing glamorous, just the three of us doing Natalie's favorite things and giving her lots of attention. She received half a dozen surprise birthday packages, which we opened throughout the day so she could spend some time with each new toy or book without being overwhelmed. We wanted the full birthday cake experience but we don’t want her to develop a sugar addiction, so Felicia baked a peach upside down cake that made everyone happy.

It was a great year for the family, but it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Some low moments have stuck with me pretty vividly. Sleep deprivation in the early months was pretty rough. Especially for Felicia. That awesome October I had wasn’t so great for her because her maternal instincts would wake her up hourly to check on the baby. “Yes, she’s fine. No, we haven’t moved. Go back to sleep.” Shoutout to Lauren and the rest of our friends that participated in our meal train back then, because we were not in the mood to cook. Thank you all so much, we really needed and appreciated the help!

Babies cry a lot. Different cries mean different things, and you get desensitized to most of them pretty quickly, but the most intense cries are still gut wrenching. I’m thinking of the time we accidentally gave her a spicy bite of Indian food, and some of her vaccine shots. It’s rough because we lead her into these scary and painful situations and she wails urgently for help, but, as badly as we want to, we can’t feel those feelings for her. It’s all we can do to comfort her until she feels better. Natalie being in pain is like my least favorite thing. I’m looking forward to watching her grow up, but I’m dreading watching her suffer some inevitable injuries along the way.

Let's end with some high notes. Her laugh is one of the greatest sounds I’ve ever heard. And she’s just a little baby, so she’s not faking it to be polite. Those belly laughs come from the soul and it’s like music to my ears. Sometimes she laughs after she farts, and that kind of laughter is contagious for the whole family.

She also loves fresh fruit, especially peaches, nectarines, and strawberries. When she was about nine months old I was holding her and talking to Felicia in the kitchen, and she just reached down and grabbed a whole nectarine off the counter and started eating it. After that we started cutting her fruit into small chunks so she would have to practice her pincer grasp in order to grab it, which would slow down her intake. She mastered that in about a month and now she pretty much stuffs her cheeks like a squirrel whenever there’s fruit on the table.

bye bye!

Whew this one was pretty all over the place, but it's all good because kids are all over the place too. Cheers.

TGIB